Posted by
Garnet92 on Friday, July 18, 2008 7:44:31 PM
All homes will be “boxes made of ticky tacky and they’ll all look just the same.”
Cigarettes are banned but medicinal marijuana is widespread. Usage is at an all-time high; the majority of the adult population now have prescriptions. Chief among the causal elements is BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome). Decades after his presidency, everything that is wrong anywhere, with anything, is still blamed on Bush. It's amazing how he could be blamed for fathering some sixty-six thousand kids, stealing payment checks from the mail and eaten so many kid’s homework?
To prevent price-gouging and hoarding of munchies, the government has imposed strict price controls on Cheetos, Ding Dongs, and chili dogs. [On a positive note, the government continues to add snack foods to the Strategic Munchie Reserve].
Based on the universal recognition of the “middle-finger salute”, a new series of finger displays has been created to allow an expression of roadway appreciation to be conveyed without words. For example, some of the new finger signs represent: “thanks for cutting me off,” “I appreciate sitting through another red light,” "it's ok, I'll find another parking space," and “please drive slower, I’m in no hurry.”
All humans are now traceable via GPS since organic RFID transmitters have been introduced into the body via colorful “Bozo the Clown” suppositories.
Electronic detectors are located at the entrance(s) of all stores and offices. In addition to scanning for weapons, explosives, and unpaid merchandise, the devices also screen for objectionable odors. Sensing a stinky individual, the device “puffs” a powerful disinfectant into the area and automatically super-glues a tree-shaped deodorizer to the person’s clothing.
Groceries are ordered from web sites and delivered by UPS. Sophisticated software allows “picking up” an item and turning it on any axis to view any part of the package. Obviously missing is the tactile sensation of squeezing a fruit or vegetable. To address the need for squeeze, professional “fluffers” at shipping warehouses provide squeezing and feeling services as required by the customer.
The professional fluffer position has additional benefits; they are highly sought after on dating websites. In particular, those who specialize in banana and cucumber fluffing are in demand by males, while orange and grapefruit squeezers are prized by females.
The highly successful Hole Foods Market has introduced a new super-natural tofu product. Made of milk from free-range soys, the soy-milk curds are pressed into weiner-shaped cylinders. CEO I. B. Rotund has announced a public poll to help choose the new product's name. So far, the leading contenders are "Tofrankies" or "Frankfurkies."
Updated: 6/18/2009