Posted by
Garnet92 on Friday, July 18, 2008 7:47:04 PM
Having recently replaced the U.S. Supreme Court as the country’s highest judicial authority, the California-based Ninth Circuit issued its first ruling; it found that the Constitution was unconstitutional. Following on the Ninth Circuit's history, the ruling was automatically struck down as have all Ninth Circuit rulings for the past 50 years.
The court also repealed all federal laws and noted that old laws were too strict and did not allow an opportunity for a “do-over.” Penalties for breaking a law were uncivilized and downright nasty and didn’t mitigate punishment when the offender was really, really sorry. The Justices have scheduled a hearing to consider the "Crossed Finger" defense.
All old laws have been replaced by "Suggestions" and in a rare case of accord, the court voted unanimously to require that all Suggestions begin with the word “Please” and end with "if you don't mind."
The U.S. no longer votes for a president. Our “Dear Super Savior” is now selected by exit poll votes taken from shoppers leaving Sam’s Club and Costco. Ms. Willemina Clinton (Chelsea's daughter, known as “Slick Willemina”) is in her final term as leader. After leaving office, she is expected to spend her time raising funds for the "Exposed Willie Wing" of the Clinton Liberry and Massage Parlor initially created by her grandfather.
A Board of Ministers has replaced the old House and Senate congressional bodies. No longer are citizens inconvenienced by those pesky elections, the new governing board is bi-partisan, being composed of equal numbers of liberal progressives and progressive liberals.
The ASPCA has been picketing the Bush presidential library for months, ever since they learned that he had been committed to a “war on terriers.” Ms. Sue Phlay, spokesperson for the picketers, asked the tearful question “why did Bush start a war on terriers? What kind of man would declare war on those sweet little dogs”?
All weapons have been outlawed. Included are any objects that might “cause harm,” including, but not limited to: rulers, brooms, mops, hoes (not ho’s), nail clippers, starched cloth, and any stiff paper capable of produciing vicious paper cuts. All pointed objects are prohibited, notwithstanding Harry Reid's head and Nancy Pelosi's nose.
While citizens are not allowed to possess weapons of any sort, there is a flourishing underground market for pearl handled paperweights, stainless steel frying pans, and high capacity bookends.
Jails and prisons have been abolished in favor of Focus Centers. A stay in one of the centers is challenging – meals consist of overdone croissants, domestic cheese, and generic box wine. Plastic dining ware and paper plates are almost more than a person can take. Leisure suits for men and burqas for women are polyester (gag) and a Starbucks break wagon only stops once a week. It’s a truly horrid place.
Guests are encouraged to be friendly by picking up the soap when dropped in the communal shower. Introductions are suggested when entering the shower and/or showerer.
Unrepentant offenders are required to attend Dr. Phil lectures, participate in group hugs, and fondle elderly staff members. An especially repugnant offense gets the offender sponge-bath time with 83-year-old Mrs. Ginger Vitus, the 330 lb. enema matron.
The Ninth Circuit is currently reviewing whether forced fondling of the elderly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Wrinkle count, belly fold overlap, and degree of sag imposed by gravity will all be factors considered when determining the presence of cruelty.
A recently discovered memo from former SecDef Nancy Pelosi has conservatives up in arms. It authorized Tabasco enemas and Urine-boarding as approved methods of interrogation when extracting information from Bush supporters. Her office has admitted that she had authorized the methods, but they had since been stopped since Republicans have become extinct.
Updated: 6/18/2009