Posted by
Garnet92 on Friday, July 18, 2008 7:02:30 PM
Open-air sex is now prohibited. Sex is now restricted to “Booty Bags”. A self-contained, foil-lined sleeping bag for two (or more), the booty bags prevent excessive respiration/perspiration products from escaping into the atmosphere, aggravating global warming, and stinking up the place. It is recommended that the interior of the bag be hosed out after heavy use.
The bags use built-in thermoelectric alternators to convert the captured energy to electricity, and then return excess power not used by the household to the electrical grid. The power company’s marketing includes a catchy slogan: “Boink your way to energy independence.”
A “Solo-Booty” is a smaller bag for individual use. These bags capture energy from personal activity and are outfitted for the three currently recognized genders (four in California). A vigorous user of the “Solo” bag can generate enough energy to entertain a small gathering (i.e., power a party boat, a DJ and sound system, or a Karaoke setup).
Condoms are no longer necessary since the invention of the Clapper Wrapper. The male simply inserts the appendage into the device and claps once. The sonic frequency of the clap causes a puff of gaseous latex to envelop the inserted item. Two claps causes the latex covering to gasify and disburse thereby removing it from the item. The marketing campaign has caused the slogan "Clap on, Clap off, the Clapper Wrapper" to become very popular.
Another new marital aid is now available for individuals lacking a "normal" sex drive. Called "Horny Helper," it consists of a touch-sensitive injection unit which is implanted under the skin behind the left elbow. When rubbed, it releases a small amount (3ml) of the libido-enhancing drug "Getmesum."
Upon injection, the drug's effect slowly rises from mild interest to that of a horny chimpanzee in about 10 minutes. Users are cautioned to activate only in private since running amok in public (e.g., post offices or movie theaters) are the legal responsibility of the horny amok-runner.
Updated 1/10/09