Posted by
Garnet92 on Friday, July 18, 2008 7:25:36 PM
The People's Athletics Ministry found that there were too many sports and determined to consolidate them. The new sports are less competitive yet still provide excitement, exercise, and personal fulfillment. As in all activities, losing is prohibited; scores are adjusted so that all participants win.
Sockey combines soccer and hockey. It’s played on an ice rink (pitch) measuring 105 meters by 75 meters. Hockey sticks have been classified as weapons and are outlawed. Instead, the players kick “butt.” The butt replaces a soccer ball and is an air-inflated rubber, buttock-shaped object.
Foosketball is a combination of football and basketball. Played with a football, the ball must be dribbled down the field rather than held in a player’s hand(s). Dribbling a football is tough (it bounces unpredictably) and teams score only when the foosketball is kicked through a window of a vintage Morris Minor that is doing doughnuts around the field.
Tolf uses aspects taken from both golf and tennis. Golf clubs and racquets are classified as weapons and are banned. A NERF-type ball is swatted with the hand and directed towards hanging rings in an effort to pass the ball through the ring. Teams are mixed foursomes and ride HoverRounds while maneuvering to avoid hazards (baby kittens and tiny puppies), scurrying about on the arena floor.
Track athletics were revised so that all runners start and finish at the same time (those finishing too early are penalized). Starter pistols are outlawed and runners “go” when the starter dog barks. Hurdles are banned because they are too hard to jump and someone could get hurt.
Relay runners can now only pass gas at the “handoff” since batons are outlawed as possible weapons. To run a good race, a runner must avoid positioning him/herself behind any other runner, especially in the four-farty relay.
Dangerous shot put and hammer throws have been replaced with balloon throws. The use of a balloon is temporary since PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Balloons) has filed suit claiming the events disrespect the balloon’s place in the cosmos.
With pole vaulting poles confiscated as possible weapons, five-meter vaults have become rare.
Updated 6/18/2009