Posted by
Garnet92 on Saturday, July 19, 2008 7:35:00 PM
Called ACME-Care, the universal healthcare program covers everything, cradle-to-grave, for every citizen. Even state-of-the-art procedures like leaching, blood-letting, and epoxy enemas are fully covered.
Though largely unsuccessful in his previous attempts, Minister of Health W. E. Coyote, is leading the research to find a vaccine for the elusive Roadrunner strain of bird-flu.
As a result of his personal participation in the bird-flu research, Mr. Coyote contracted the dreaded “Meep Meep” virus and periodically has relapses causing unusual accidental injuries (mostly involving mountains, jet power, or TNT).
Being overweight is no longer a problem. Fat suctioning has become common. Fortunately, ACME-Care covers all procedures that suck, like: thighposuction and rumposuction. And, with a nod towards recycling, the removed fat is then rendered into cooking oil and sold to fast food chains (yummy).
Under ACME-Care, the onset of an illness must be scheduled in advance and requires a 10-day wait period prior to treatment. Accidents must also be scheduled but only require a 3-day wait.
NOTE to patients: Please be patient when scheduling an accident or illness, ACME-Care Schedulers are not required to speak English and have difficulty with any activity more complex than slumping.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Explosive Diarrhea is exempt from scheduling but requires a 48 hour notice to dispatch a hazmat hose-down of walls, floors, and innocent bystanders.
The new drug powerhouse Price-Spitzer, Inc. has received FDA approval for two new drugs, Obamacillin and Obamamycin. Dubbed the “Messiah Drugs”, they have been responsible for complete eradication of jock itch, yeast infections, hair loss, and constipation.
Commercial companies have secured contracts with ACME-Care. For example, IKEA offers stylish Scandinavian replacement organs. Oscar Meyer and Kwik Kar operate chains of clinics that install and service the replacement lips, noses, ears, toes, etc., and Fancy Feast provides used-organ disposal services.
A new program, called Mediwear, has been added to ACME-Care's list of benefits to provide adult diapers to those diagnosed with Politician's Syndrome, which causes uncontrollable diarrhea whenever a microphone or camera is detected.
Always popular, Pep Boys drive-thru cosmetic surgery centers are also covered. They are known for their “buy one, get one free” promotions. Manny, Moe, and Jack happily provide personal hands-on after-care for boob jobs (boobs are big at Pep Boys), with buttockal reductions following close behind.
Due to their popularity, equine penile transplants are no longer covered under ACME-Care. They’re now available only at auctions conducted by Sotheby’s and Christie’s where the lots are identified as “Peni$ by the Pound.”
Woodup and Limpbegon are replacements for Viagra and Cialis. The new ED drugs utilize a two part formula (Extender and Hardener) that activates when applied vigorously to the member.
WARNING: African-American men should not apply in a confined space such as a small bathroom, phone booth, or while in line at the DMV. Additionally, care should be exercised if applying in a parking garage as several Morris Minis have been impaled.
As a limited time promotional package, Woodup comes with nifty toss-rings and horseshoes. Not to be outdone, Limpbegon is offering small national flags and sock puppets.
Artificial insemination is now accomplished conveniently at home by a purpose-built android. One simply inserts a “seed” cartridge into the android’s slot and selects one of several pre-programmed impregnation activities. The androids have become so popular that the sale of seedless cartridges (called “blanks”) is a booming industry and there are reports that human men have been caught trying to pass themselves off as androids.
Updated: 6/18/2009