Posted by
Garnet92 on Saturday, July 19, 2008 7:05:00 PM
Abdul’s Airline is the only passenger airline still flying. Fares have increased so much that most ticket purchases now are paid by installment loan. Abdul Air’s rate structure determines fares by fare class, passenger weight, and odds of arrival.
Abdul Air no longer allows checked baggage since cargo space has been reconfigured to carry passengers. Called “Inert Class” seating, the passenger space is not pressurized or heated. Oxygen is available from the attendant for a nominal fee.
With the elimination of checked baggage, passengers have resorted to creative ways of getting prohibited articles past the screening stations. In view of this new threat, full disrobing and body cavity inspections are now commonplace. Cavity inspectors wear full haz-mat covering and receive hazardous duty pay for performing the intrusive activity.
Some have complained that attractive females were sent through a special VIP line and were evaluated separately. Neiman-Marcus gift certificates were awarded to those who agreed to be screened by a panel of judges. Judge positions have become so sought-after, they are now traded on the NYSE.
Personal mobility utilizes vehicles manufactured by Yugo Ltd. The most popular model, the “Yugo-girl”, runs fine for 28 days, then becomes uncooperative and hard to start for a few days. Yugo recommends that men avoid contact with this model during the cranky period.
Gasoline and diesel fuels have been replaced by an inexpensive renewable resource – i.e., legume (bean) power. Efficiency is excellent; thirty-two ounces (2 16oz cans) of navy beans will power a vehicle for about 400 miles and about $5 will “gas up” (in the truest sense) at any convenience store or truck stop.
Performance-minded drivers will find that jalapeno ranch beans provide maximum power but the excessively hot gasses tend to really, really, burn the exhaust pipe.
Pre-teen male bystanders are cautioned not to light a match in an exhaust trail left behind by a bean-powered vehicle or risk singed palm hair.
New bean-powered two-wheeled vehicles, known as "pooter scooters" are now becoming popular, as are the new helmets worn by scooter drivers. The special scooter helmets contain built-in respirators to filter out the pungent exhaust when there is a following wind.
The EPA hasn’t yet figured out why the green gaseous “contrail” following behind a vehicle appears to wilt weeds and kill small rodents. However, they are reluctant to ban the vehicles since millions of highway maintenance dollars are saved by keeping the streets weed-free.
Detractors complain that the vehicles emit foul-smelling fumes, but proponents point to savings over petroleum vehicles – even with their musical exhaust note and safe, but smelly emissions. A marketing slogan offered by the Bean Power Institute is “Bean power – it’s ok to pass gas ... stations.”
To combat competition from alternative fuels, Shell, Mobil, and Exxon introduced a marketing campaign using a pricing model pioneered by food and candy suppliers. They’re publicizing a reduction in the price of gasoline to $1.00gl. Concurrent with the price reduction, the unit of measure was changed from a gallon to a “galun”. Abbreviated “gl”, a galun = 2 quarts.
All stop signs have been removed. Intersections now contain “PIT” signs (Please Interrupt Transit) encouraging drivers to voluntarily defer right-of-way. The word “STOP” was seen as too bossy and did not consider how it might intimidate troubled individuals. Some drivers stopped what they were doing (makeup, shaving, eating, text-messaging, etc.) some drivers simply stopped (and are still there), and a few stopped breathing and died.
Traffic signals are being moved because the Ministry of Spiritual Guidance determined that placement of the traffic lights was all wrong from a Feng Shui perspective. The Ministry is confident that balancing the Feng Shui is more important than drivers actually being able to see a traffic signal anyway.
Proper Feng Shui placement resulted in some odd locations for the traffic lights. For example, Freep Jones was surprised to find officials installing a traffic light on his patio (his neighbor already has one under a large oak tree in his back yard). Other locations identified by critics include a Taco Bell drive up, and a Macy’s parking garage. Feng Shui supporters say that even when the lights can’t be seen by drivers, they’re still projecting good Chi.
Additionally, a study showed that the red “stop” light was a color associated with anger and could promote aggressive actions. The “yellow” light implied cowardice of the driver, which resulted in an “oh yeah, I’ll show you, a**hole!” reaction. Only the “green” light had no negatives, although it did trigger levels of sex steroids sufficient to make people horny.
Problems resulted when a Departments of Transportation trial placed temporary covers on the red and yellow lights, leaving only the green light visible in all directions. The result was a bunch of horny people, all trying to get through an intersection at the same time. Usually, the men got through quickly while the women complained because the men got through before they did.
A new mass transportation system is being tested in Oakland, CA. Known as JAM (for Jogger Assisted Mobility), the system makes use of joggers running on treadmills to power the tram cars. Certain problems have arisen that prevent widespread use of the transportation system. It was determined that some joggers took issue at being zapped with a cattle prod when the cars slowed down too much or when a jogger attempted to get off. Oakland councilwoman Anna Rexia proposed an ordinance requiring Republicans to "volunteer" their time jogging to keep the system running.
Updated: 6/18/2009