Posted by
Garnet92 on Sunday, July 20, 2008 7:41:00 PM
The government has mandated the reduction of personal body temperatures from 98.6 to 97.4 to reduce global warming. Any citizen with a temperature above the baseline (97.4) is subject to ice water enemas until body temperature returns to normal.
Citizens are required to skip every other breath (to reduce CO2 emissions) and to release flatulence only in their own homes (or be fitted with a personal fart-scrubber).
Global warming advocate Al Gore filed suit to have each recording station’s devices tested to find any uncounted degrees that might be left hanging about. West Palm Beach monitoring officials had difficulty in identifying whether a temperature had been recorded in Celsius or Fahrenheit (some stations reported both, calling the results into question).
When energy companies began selling Carbon Offsets based on planting marijuana plants instead of trees, the resulting offsets quickly exceeded greenhouse gasses by 11,759%.
Refuse matter from the offset farms fuel the new alternative marijuana-burning power plants. As an added economic benefit, real estate downwind of the power plants is selling like crazy.
PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vermin) has finally succeeded in adding cockroaches to the endangered species list. Any activity that disrupts a cockroach’s lifestyle is prohibited. The ban specifically prohibits turning on a kitchen light at night.
Now that the air is cleaner, pollution is no longer restraining natural evolution. One unfortunate effect is that the Texas Horny Cockroach is now the size of a small hampster and has learned to upend a human who tries to step on one. People should be especially wary of those wearing red bandanas as they have formed a gang and will retaliate via a "scurry-by" attack.
The administration denies the rumor that there is a really big extension cord crossing under the St. Claire river at Port Huron MI and plugged into a Canadian nuclear power plant. The Canadian Power Ministry has some 300 MW that has "gone missing," and is suspicious of a large cable that comes out of the river and is plugged into a really big outlet on the Canadian side.
When satellite-mounted prisms were deployed to redirect the sun’s energy to solar collectors, an unintended side-effect plunged northern California into darkness. Polls conducted in the other 56 states show that 57% think that northern California had been “in the dark” for years anyway, 31% responded that San Francisco and Oakland had gone over to the “dark side” a long time ago, and 12% said “it was a racist plot to keep the black man down.”
A number of California cities, flush with success after banning all types of smoking everywhere, are submitting legislation to ban undocumented wildfire smoke from their jurisdictions. “That smoke simply doesn’t have the right to come in to our city without going through proper channels. It’s a matter of honoring our borders,” said Nosmo King, spokesperson for “The Coalition to Stop Undocumented Smoke Now."
Wind power as an energy source has had only limited success. Studies show that the only locations with a dependable supply of hot air was where the government politicians were speaking. These speeches resulted in clouds of flatulent air characterized by a certain pungency which was known to cause olfactory distress to any unfortunate soul that happened to be downwind.
With the seas subsiding (droping almost a foot since 2047) the newly available beachfront real estate has proven an economic boon for the government. Since the "Steal the Beach Act of 2048", the federal government automatically owns any property created by retreating water. Proposed uses for the valuable property include union golf courses and resorts, vacation homes for members of the Politburo, and nude beaches for the buxom.
Updated 6/18/09